Monday, February 1, 2016

The last time I checked

The last time I checked, I was reluctantly waking up from my bunk bed (I was always on the top), forcing myself out of bed by jumping down to the floor every morning. The last time I checked, it was never silent on my way to classes. Down the hill, passing by the wall that had visions and missions painted on it, going through this corridor where you had everything going on, people pulling you into their side of the community, waving hands to people you are familiar with, having sudden butterfly attacks in your tummy when you see that one particular person from the opposite cafe walking towards you. The last time I checked, I believed in certainty.

The last time I checked, I never really had those 4pm naps because I'd be out in the world attempting on making a change in the norm, trying to do things for people to have burning fire in their hearts when they see what I do. However, the long day would put me down by 7pm when everyone else was ready for their night responsibilities. The last time I checked,  I was lining up to get food with this group of people I call friends. Friends I was associated with for the next chapters of my life. The last time I checked, I believed in forever.

Year by year I learn that things were not meant to be in your life for as long as you desire it to be. But 2015, in particular hit me hard. I am not making a sad story about my 2015. Please I don't wanna sound depressed and sad lol.

But it did hit me hard. Because I had to learn all of these the hard way.

1. I realized that people can just say things they think they feel is true. I think everyone in a point of their lives, would commit to a possibility that has 50/50 chances of succeeding or totally going down the drain. That I know. What I didn't know before that I now know is that people just say things they don't mean. There is a difference between not knowing what is ahead of you but you commit to persevering and knowing the possibilities but just saying 'let's go' without fastening your seat belt.

2. We wouldn't give two fucks about a person's sincere and genuine concern if we just don't give two fucks about it. There is no other way to it. Expecting a person to understand where you are coming from would be the most stupid thing anyone can do.Expecting tolerance is also stupid when the other party is not in for it. These stupid things I did just cus I 'believed' in certainty. I was too optimistic with life that I thought, hey this will end up alright. The whole idea of certainty or kekal or fixed, I held onto and regretted.

3. Everything balls down to our own good. Why? Because He loves you the most.
This  year in particular, I was tested in my friendships, I was tested with being a hopeful, I got heartbroken, I was challenged as a Muslim, I questioned my religion, I challenged this piece of cloth of this head of mine, I doubted myself. I went through everything, you name it.

But within these overwhelming, heart crushing experiences, I learnt it was all for my good. I learnt that if this person is toxic to you, discrete them from your life, because you are entitled to your own life. I learnt that its okay to put effort on useless possibilities, because it opened my eyes to different layers of people and perspectives and understanding. I learnt that you can't afford to throw yourself to the wrong people because the people around you either make you or break you. Now I know that words will just remain words if they don't come with actions.

After everything that has happened was to just bring me back to a state of security and happiness. Do you see it? Like you go through vicious fights and horrible cries to end up in a state of BAPAK DIA I DID IT MAN. And the feeling is priceless and that I believe its His love for you. The fact that you managed.

2015 made me into a principled person. And I'm proud to have these principles.

Because sometimes, they just don't deserve any justification from you.

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