Friday, December 19, 2014

Dah lama tak deep dengan Allah.

I've been staring at the screen for the past 15 minutes. Lol.

It's hard, isn't it? Life is hard. Very very hard. I know how life gets easy when I obey Your orders, holding onto Tawheed, knowing You, loving You. Everyone knows that. But you still can't deny it right? It's hard. I went through a phase where being optimistic, at times made me in denial? How strong you believe that things happen for reasons, how faith in You secure it all.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not wronging that fact, but it's not easy to just say it in your head repeatedly, as assurance, as a reminder. It's not easy. It doesn't help at times.

The iman is like a strong stench of smell that suddenly comes to you. When you get the odour, an odour that is so strong and it stays, it remains.

But within seconds, it goes off like you never smelled it before.

Iman comes and goes; and that is the hard part. It comes knocking on your door, being a friend that supports and guides you through shits you face. Then it abandons you when you forget to check on that friend of yours. It leaves you when you leave it.

There's so many things in my head, I'm constantly thinking about things that I can't process, people don't see it. Only when I say it then they'll know I have a lot in my head, lol Narisa knows lah cuz I'm constantly asking random questions.

It's not like I'm depressed, nor that I'm having problems. I'm fine, I'm happy. But you get these thoughts about life, it makes you exhausted.

I keep thinking and having battles in my head. Monologues with myself, images of the future. Like do others go through that? Lol I'm tired of thinking. Like for a second, I actually desire for a moment of stagnation. A period of silence. Like please, only for awhile.

But that's the point right, you don't get the time you want. Life isn't permanent and I get it, it's moving so fast you can't even keep track. Dunya that all of us are in, lol it's  just a transit.

I don't know where I'm going with this entry but there's a dire need for me to put this down.

"Allah did not send the Quran to You (Muhammad) to cause you hardships." Surah Taha. I forgot what verse. Funny how I just expressed how hard life is then I suddenly remembered this verse like whut. God is there. Up there. Wherever, He is there. You heard me didn't ya.

Bull if they say life isn't hard. Cos I just figured, if life isn't hard, why must there be a God? Why the hell do we have to go through those bumps if there wasn't a God that we seek help from. Kbai I just answered my contradictory opening.

I'm asking to you lord. If truly, I am on the right path, why do I hurry during my salahs? Why do I not spend time on the sejadah talking to you after those hurried salahs? If I love you so much, why am I still cursing and swearing like I own this tongue of  yours? If you are the end to my journey, why am I impatient with my mother? If you are the love of my life why am I searching and hunting for it now?

Obviously my heart isn't at the right place just yet, because I see You far from holding it. And I know I should do something. I know.

Please be patient with me. Please know I'm trying. Please accept the littlest most insignificant act of kindness. Don't stop giving me your love letters. Don't stop reminding me with those flashes you give right before I go to bed. Don't give up on me.

The Lover that isn't trying her best,

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