From the Heart (Repost)

From the Heart

What a bright day. I could feel the warm ray on my pale skin. The blanket and pillows were all on the floor, hphmm, no wonder I was freezing the night before. Suddenly, I heard those familiar footsteps. Those light footsteps coming down the staircase. Then, I heard that voice. The voice that was always ringing in my ears since the very first day I came into this world.

I took quite some time to get out of my bed. After a moment, I came out of my room. There you were in your white sleeping gown. Yes, the one with pink tiny boxes, the one that I used to wear when I was half my age right now. Everything was so quiet. I wasn't sure if it was a calm or gloomy kind of silence. The television wasn't switched on like usual. It was exceptionally odd. I just stood at my door, and I realized you were crying. I still stood there. Clueless. It was always awkward to see you crying.

You looked up to me and I saw that angelic face, it was glowing even though it was all soaked up. I went to you. I sat next to you. It was still silent. I didn't dare to open up my mouth. I stared into your sored eyes, and I knew it. It hit me. I knew why you were crying. You were crying because of the situation at that very second. That quiet situation. I could see that you hated it. I reluctantly wipe those tears off your face, I was still feeling a little bit awkward. All of a sudden, I felt warm. My face was getting hot. The heat was crawling up to my eyes, and I burst into tears.

Mummy, since Abang's starting his Degree in September, InsyaAllah, and it will be super long, and since I'm finishing high school in two years time. Okay, maybe this sounds ridiculous because it's a long long way to go, but we've talked about this before right? Um, yeah, you'll be by yourself. You hate the silence, I know. But, trust me, I'll do what it takes to fill up that emptiness in you alright?

I'll try to spend time with you, I'll listen to you, I'll talk to you. You know, like what we used to do together? Those mother-daughter outings, those long night chitchats. Yeah, those stuff will not end. I'll try. I'm really thankful to Allah to have a mother like you. You bring me to catch a movie if you know it's been awhile since we last watched one. Those moments when we start to dance like maniacs in your toilet. These little things. I do miss and love.

I might not be the best child any mother could get, but you see, I'm trying. I love you even though I don't show it to you. I love you even I may give you the sting eye whenever you say something about me. I'm sorry if I've hurt you. I might not say it as much as I should, but I know 'sorry' isn't just a cheap word you freely use. I hope you understand me, and I know you do because you're Zelda Hassan.

Happy Mother's Day, I love you with all my  heart.

Your daughter, Shana.

  

I actually wrote that in 2011. I decided to repost this cause I celebrated my 18th birthday last Sunday. Amidst of those non stop wishes from people around me, there was one that caught my eye and touched my qalbu. This dear friend of mine said, "Dalam kegembiraan menyambut hari kelahiran fir, jgn lupa ucapkan terima kasih kat mak fir sebab lahirkan fir, apa kata kita buat solat syukur atas kurniaan mak mak kita kepada kita."

It went something like that. Trust me, that wasn't the first time getting that approach of wishing me but this year particularly, I felt differently. 

Not gonna lie, these twitter and instagram and whatsapp, taking too much of my time, without realizing that we have not been having our usual conversations like long time ago. Sorry mummy :/

 

But still lah you da best cos you ma momma.

Love you, 

Fir