Terasing, lapan dan sembilan oktober

Tenang je hati, ringan je kepala,
Menapak ke ruang seniman bertempur,
Seronok dia tak terkata.

Melihat wajah yang betul-betul menyejukkan hati,
Dah lama tak rasa begini,
Hati-hati yang kental,
Jiwa-jiwa yang kenyal,
Satu anugerah bagi aku bila disatukan satu jalan.

Berhajat dan gigih usahanya,
Bagus, kekalkan semangat itu sayang-sayangku,
Aku jujur, di kala kau dibebani, aku doakan Tuhan
Permudahkan urusanmu,
Sama seperti kau semua dah meringankan bahu lesuku.

Terima kasih kerana kalian semua,
Terasing itu bukanlah kerisauan,
Malah seerat erat ikatan kita,
Itulah cerminan rabitah kita tiap malam.

Light again,
Fir

IYKYK

I honestly don’t know,

what goes through that head of yours,

for all that is written and unsaid,

I’m nothing but perplexed.

I honestly don’t know,

of what we were,

as there seems to be two curators

who have still not met on the same page.

I honestly don’t know,

if I am the one in your scriptures,

or if I am just living on fantasies

and holding onto fallacies,

But I do know,

the end doesn’t need to be it,

if truly, our names are written

in the ninth kingdom.

And I do know,

I need you to pull this push,

I want to believe this is carved in stone

so stop this combat of futility 

if you genuinely hope for abadi

I do know,

that there is no reason for this

marquee to be the divide,

pull it down gently

and use your words.

Listening,

Fir.

disangka panas sampai ke petang, rupanya hujan di tengah hari

This is my letter to you, hoping you get the closure that you deserve.

We were spectacular. 

And you made me feel the love that I've always longed for.

We happened so swiftly that our footprints have travelled all around the world.

You were celebrated by everyone for your kindness and your warm, warm heart.

I understand that you feel like you are being thrown away into a dark abyss because

every step we took before never felt like we were heading into an end.

I know, this is hard.

And I put it all on me.

We are now nothing but a fissure.

A fissure between holding onto a bar and knowing that
the bar is nothing but a figure of smoke.

Don't kill yourself for this kismet that was long decided,
where neither of us were the authors.
You scream for the juxtaposition that is glaring,
yet that is just how we have been and seen things.

It's not that you pull me down and I need escape from an anchor you,
but this is me taking only two luggages with me in a flight,
for the third bag is....
superflous.

We met eye to eye but forgive me that I'm no longer looking into
the same direction.
You never gave less than what you set for yourself,
but I am no longer capable of being at the receiving end,
as we no longer meet eye to eye.

We moved too swiftly that probably, just probably,
I only learnt the curves and depths a little too late,
a little too late that you have intertwined me and you,
like removing a tattoo, it hurts more than first applying it.

We were spectacular,
but now, it isn't right for me to feel this love that I am no
longer longing for.

You say that we were only a few days away from our second year,
but to me, this part only completes the last portion of us.
We did reach our second year together,
through the highs and lows,
and the lows are still what makes us, us.

But allow me now,
to leave this art field,
that was only meant as a lovely intermission
between you and I.

Once your hamburger,
Fir.

Tapi

14 dan 19 ibarat pantulan pada cermin.
Sama dan lain tapi lain dan sama.
Banyak perasaan tentang masa,
tempat dan pengalaman
tapi tak pasti jika pasti ataupun tak.

Seronok memang seronok melewati jalan yang
dah lama ditinggalkan,
tapi tidak sabar untuk menerokai denai yang belum
dijejaki.

Berbolak balik, berdolak dalih, kira tenang tapi tak tenang.
Bertanyakan bulan tapi sendiri menjawab dan
akhirnya buntu tapi masih mengharap.

Yang banyaknya tapi tandakan adanya yang tidak pasti,
Fir.


[From Menara Ken, to Aether Cafe, to One Utama, to Temu and finally,
Random Food Store with Lal dan Fit]

Crazy crazy crazy.

I asked, "why do we hold onto memories?"
"We don't hold onto them, they just don't go away..."

Crazy crazy crazy.

Crazy;

how one song can bring you to the
exact time, date and space from 4 years ago.

or how one song can rip your heart open again,
while you feel the buzzing waves in your temple.

Crazy;

how the mind can remember something so vividly
yet forget some things completely like it had never happened.

Crazy;

how you get a flash of old times,
and it starts unfolding itself in your head like flipping through an album
and you go "aha", that happened.

This part, I like the most.
I get to unravel sinful bittersweet memories
and it makes me smile while I'm behind the wheels.
I am reminded of evergreen moments and
I say to myself, I was living.

And I am still living to anticipate more memories.

Holding onto them and allowing them to stay?
Is it the same?

Holding still,
Fir.

[Asma, on Kuaci's bed, had her earphones plugged in and blasted our chosen sappy songs,]

Waving wheat

To be completely honest, I don't even know what I want.
Especially now.

But I just figured this out recently.

I was young and naive and raw.
And people around me would define things for me.

I was absorbent and in a rush.
And people around me filled in the blanks for me.

Till it came to a point I was shielded by this
thick, hard shell.
Yet, deep inside I was still soft as flesh.

But I thought life was black and white.
You don't go my way, the door awaits,
you don't stride the way I stride,
don't expect me to go against my pride.

I didn't know why being 'principled' was everything to me.
Because now, life is surprising me by its grey lines.

Today, I'm slightly older
and I don't think I fit in this shell anymore.

I really get it now when the older ones say
"you're still young."

Funny how this rigid stick is now as flimsy as a waving wheat.

I'm back I guess?
Fir

The Good over the Bad

"How can you miss someone so shitty?"

I believe that we hold onto the good more than the bad.
The good times, the good values, the great, great memories.
We know what we had with a particular person may be heartbreaking,
but we still fail to move on from this person, or feelings, at least.

But I truly do believe that we glue ourselves to those memories.
Those great, great ones.
And we all know memories are hard to erase.

Especially when they were good ones.
It is probably because of our society that we condone to mediocre standards of love,
or that we are aware of our humanly flaws that we tolerate.
But for most of the time,
we hold onto the good more than the bad.

Trust me, I get it.
He was shitty! I know!
Oh man, the heartache that followed suit for two years, compare that!
This person can leave you aimless and blank,
this person can punch you so hard in the heart that you're constantly in pain,
yes I know! It does hurt in the chest. Physically.
Yet they still stick in your head like an annoying piece of gum on your sole.

As cringy as it sounds, "we accept the love we think we deserve."

This one's for you, you piece of nut.

Back after 3 years,

Fir